More Poems 2011-17

A Tolerable Limbo

Not much to wake up for
Not much not to wake up for
I guess that’s why they call it limbo, because it’s
not so bad, not so good, just


Wallowing in my wounds
passing the days in a toolshed
dis-empowering myself

Sometimes it’s better to
wallow and pass time
than to step into an arena
with a lion waiting


Non-Enlightenment Poem

In the Zen tradition
it is traditional to write a poem upon realizing enlightenment

I can’t claim that, but
after getting drunk and dancing for 2 hours
a lot of energy has moved

Grand Entrance
(4/10-11 midnight)

Let me make my grand entrance,
into the room where the music’s playing

Hey, where is this poem going, anyway
     wherever it wants to
as i was saying

Grand Entrance
into the room with the candle burning and the incense lit
the room without fear, without restriction
where people are dancing wildly and
loving madly
and no one says, what if

What if the wine is good, the women beautiful,
the music stimulating, the night warm,
the hearts on fire
What if that were a typical night, a tantric life,
all over the world

a life without fear
a conscious, embodied life
filled with the omnipresent Presence
filled with beauty and freedom
filled with truly useful effort that really
benefited someone, somewhere

What if you were in that room
and you, and you
and all the souls trapped in their wounds, ego,
bitterness and despair
What if

Let us make our grand entrance, dancing
Drink in hand, lover on arm, music playing
Heaven Eternal

Dancing in the Wreckage
This house is falling apart
Houses do that after years and years without maintenance
The swimming pool is a mosquito farm
Dark, brackish water filled with muck

The neighbors moved out a long time ago
no work, no money, no fun
Squirrels, birds, bugs, raccoons, feral cats
These are the neighbors now

Here and there a human being
recluses, hermits, ascetics, fuckups
Smoke of incense, tobacco and marijuana

and me
dancing to an old song
played on an old boombox
with old batteries
loud, drinking cheap wine
working on tomorrow’s headache,
and yet, somehow, in all this wreckage
physical wreckage, human wreckage
wreckage of a society that has lost its’ magic
you can feel a presence, the Presence
omnipresent, always, everywhere

you can feel it because it’s quiet here
the wind blows
the trees rustle
the sun shines
tonight there will be moonlight

No one is trying to get anywhere
there is nowhere to go
we’ve all tried and failed and realized that

it’s quiet here
you can feel
and that’s a good reason to


What is and What is not
(written 4/16)

Sometimes you just have to admit, especially to yourself
What is, and what is not, and move on

She loves you, she loves you not
You did a great job, you fucked up
You can eat, drink, stay up late,
do whatever you want
You have to be really careful, watch every morsel,
get to bed by 10
at least if you want to survive

So much of the suffering is in
the thoughts and feelings about what is happening
the resistance, the struggle within
against what is, and what is not

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again
Thinking the same thoughts over and over again
Doing nothing to learn and grow, yet
expecting a different result

What is, and what is not
Certainly the laws of gravity will not change, but
what is and what is not
may take on the deeper meaning of
how you feel about and react to
what is and what is not, and maybe even
what is and what is not possible
may change and surprise you


I always knew
there were angels in heaven
i never realized
there were so many angels on earth

you know you are loved
when the chips are down
and they still come round

the heavenly choir is singing loudly
the hearts of the earthly angels
singing louder still

May peace and harmony
pervade all the realms
may your road be smooth
leading always to lands filled with flowers,
sweet waters, and
loving arms to hold you
peace be with you

It’s all about the light
The light in your heart, in your body
how much light can you allow?

Every atom of every cell is glowing brightly
a thousand suns in every micron, and
it’s all you
how much light can you allow yourself
There is nothing but god, that includes us
How much light can you allow yourself to see in the mirror

It’s all light, it’s all god
under the masks and fogs of the world
how much light can you allow yourself to see
in everyone, not just the “good” people
how much light can you allow yourself to see
knowing that your whole accustomed way of relating to the world
must fall by the wayside, and
you have no idea what will replace it, and
you’re afraid of being a babe among wolves

how much light can you allow yourself to be
is that even a valid question, because
you are light
all is light
despite appearances


It’s all about the light
The light in your heart, in your body
how much light can you allow?

Every atom of every cell is glowing brightly
a thousand suns in every micron, and
it’s all you
how much light can you allow yourself

There is nothing but god, that includes us
How much light can you allow yourself to see in the mirror

It’s all light, it’s all god
under the masks and fogs of the world
how much light can you allow yourself to see
in everyone, not just the “good” people
how much light can you allow yourself to see
knowing that your whole accustomed way of relating to the world
must fall by the wayside, and
you have no idea what will replace it, and
you’re afraid of being a babe among wolves

how much light can you allow yourself to be
is that even a valid question, because
you are light
all is light
despite appearances



The world looks like a shithole in the making, like it’s ending
Disasters lurk around every corner
every speck of dust from under every rug, is
floating in the air, making us cough
and yet
when i relax, release my fears and anger for a moment
Stop thinking long enough to see clearly, for a moment
I see the eternal infinite winking at me, saying
it’s all a game, a scary movie
don’t take it so seriously that
you don’t have any fun
reminding me that

though i speak with the tongues of men and angels,
have the deepest insights and understanding of the situation
the snarkiest comments on Facebook, 100,000 likes, still
if i have not love in my heart
even for the fucking swine who are destroying everything i hold dear
my words are as sounding brass

without love
what’s the point

Window Into Eternity
written 2/22, Big Sur Lodge at night
i was camping and wanted to go inside for a while
There’s a window into eternity that opens
sometimes when i hear certain pieces of music
see a certain sky, smell a certain scent
everything drops away
tomorrow disappears
yesterday, indeed everything other than now
i don’t remember if i’m old, young, middle aged, rich, poor
it all disappears
in the feeling of eternity 

Today or a thousand years ago
Today is a thousand years ago

a thousand years from now
A thousand years ago

mountain lion and grizzly bear roamed this coast
now ruled by cars and telephone lines

as the night gets deeper, and the mood comes over me
all hope in the future vanishes, because there is no future
only now as i sit here writing these words on paper
7 billion lives unfold
countless critters, bugs, plants, amoebas
on this and other planets
throughout time and space

an old song is playing
a song from the youth of people now aged 70
countless songs of countless singers of

countless places of countless times
all floating around in the ether, the psychic energy field
we hear them with an inner ear 

Today is a snapshot, a frame in an eternal movie
flashing by so briefly when the movie is rolling
lasting for all eternity in
freeze frame

Getting Drunk and Having Sex
2/22, Big Sur
O, things were simpler then, when feeling good meant just
getting drunk and having sex, and
when the drink wore off, drink more
when the sex wore off, have more but

our desires have gotten so much more complicated
just getting drunk and having sex
a cold drink and a warm body
are not quite enough anymore 

Now our minds wonder
what did we do with our lives?
what should we have done with our lives?
what should we do with our lives?
even though, for the most part
all that thinking is just mental masturbation
still, most of the time, it’s not enough to just

get drunk and have sex

even though
our lives will probably not change overnight
the world will probably not change overnight
and maybe we’d be better off, if we could just
get drunk and have sex

it’s not that we don’t want to
it’s just not quite enough anymore



In the realm of hungry ghosts
bellies the size of beach balls
throats the size of a small straw
never able to get enough
always wanting more

constantly remodeling their houses
buying bigger houses
newer cars
bigger TVs
the latest electronic toys,
cell phones, computers, and all the rest

always in their heads
their only sensations in their bodies
food and sex
otherwise, only pain
reminds them that they have
arms, legs, fingers, toes
and lots of skin

Success is not success
if it takes you away from
your birthright as a living being
to be fully alive in your body

A sociopathic, ecocidal society
where the only value put on the land
is to develop it
with constantly rising prices, where
even those who are not hungry ghosts
have to struggle just to survive
in the realm of hungry ghosts

here’s an older poem on the same themes


A naked pagan
dancing with the sky
i am alien in your world

Your houses, factories, TV sets
It is difficult for me to understand
how can you live this way?
but you do

I need trees, grass, sky
rushing rivers and willing consorts
fresh strawberries picked from the ground

You tell me of vaccines, hospitals
guaranteed food supply
heat in the winter

Yes, these are good things
when enjoyed properly
but why give up

the joy of feeling
the sun on your heart
the waves on your flesh
the companionship of spirit

Why do you seem to lack
joy, contentment, fulfillment
serenity, and

You sell yourself to the highest bidder and
live in fear of not selling yourself
why can you not find a way to have it all?

If this technology is so wonderful
why are so many unhappy
sick at heart
filled with all manner of diseased emotions and
homeless in the streets

I don’t understand

The gifts i offer
you think worthless

I offer the sand, the sea
compassion, and
deep feelings

What you want from me is to be a robot
For that i may earn enough to buy food and pay rent
since you have set a price on every inch of the earth
by what right do you control this land?

I don’t understand
but, after all
I am only
A naked pagan

On Reading Tao Ch’ien

Tonight’s the night, the only night there is, tonight

Tonight is coming as i sit here on the porch at 4pm, sky grey, a winter’s day
still some blue on the lowest edge of the sky above the mountain

Tonight is a good night for drinking wine and eating bean soup and reading a book of 1600 year old poems by Tao Ch’ien
Poems which read as alive as if written yesterday
Such is the human experience

Tonight, i am hungry. This poem is finished



If a tree falls in the forest and
there’s no one there
If a day passes and
nothing happens
If you’re born and die and
it’s no big deal to anyone but you

Sitting at your kitchen table
eating your cornflakes and milk
when you’re 10 years old

Sitting at your kitchen table
Eating your toast and tea
when you’re 70 years old

Are you content with your life or
on your deathbed will your last thought be
coulda, woulda, shoulda

And all your dreams
Are in the ethers now
With all the other dreams

The dreams of a black man born into slavery
in Mississipi in 1760
Dying in a cabin at the back of the plantation in 1827
Who never got more than 10 miles from where he was born and
was luckier to do that than to be sold down the river

The dreams of a white man born in Chicago 1930
Who got married at 23, had 3 children, and
Died of cancer at 43
Leaving his wife with mixed feelings
Because she was so stifled in her dreams of
being an actress

All the dreams in the ethers
Angels hold them and cherish them
Nourish them and water them
Then plant them anew
Slightly modified to suit the times
Instead of a jazz clarinetist
A hip hop DJ

All the flowers
Born in the spring
Shriveled and died when the rains stopped
Seen only by the bees and
By god,
who sees all, and
Loves all


Every time i look out at the mountains, I know that
beyond the mountains lies a vast expanse and
beyond the vast expanse people, towns, cars, houses, and
beyond that are mountains, and oceans, and people, and cities, and
stars like grains of sand on a beach, and
inside every cell of my body
atoms with vast expanses of open space and
light pulsing in waves and
when i dance, and the music makes me move, and i
feel the waves of light from the atoms moving my body and
maybe that’s as close to god as most of us ever get and
maybe that’s enough

So when it’s time to move on and
explore other worlds than this one
put the music on and let me dance into the next world
even if i’m lying in a bed, apparently unable to move
the waves of light inside me, inside all of us, will
dance and dance and dance


going to bed, and oh
How many people are lying in their beds right now
Contemplating their dreams, and oh
How many people have lain down to go to bed
Now i lay me down to sleep

Earlier today
Following a dog down a narrow forest trail
I read somewhere that we should stop and take time to smell the flowers
This dog wants to smell every bush
And pee on it
Who is walking who

And how many generations ago was this dog a wolf
And how many generations of human beings have walked with a dog by their side
And how many nights have we lain down to sleep
And awakened in the morning
Almost remembering other worlds

And i heard someone say
There is no time
And all the apparently solid matter
Just whirling patterns of energy
Mostly empty space
Almost unreal

And tonight
I miss you so much and
I don’t even know if we will ever meet again
In this Lifetime
I am going to bed now
And oh
Am i going to sleep
Or waking up



A candle burns
is it an oasis of light
in a world of darkness
or is the inner light blindingly clear
if only we could see it


Walking the corridors of melancholy
Feelings have a life of their own
Springing from sources deep in the subconscious
Sources we can only guess at from
the effects that bubble up to the surface
Volcanoes, earthquakes, tidal waves
Moods, a sense of loss
quiet grief for all the suffering
throughout the world, throughout history, throughout time

sitting here
i could be you, and you could be me
the feeling would be the same
the secret sharing
as the sun goes down, or rather
as the the earth turns away for the time of night
a night which will be lit by a full moon
the creatures of the night coming out to play
the creatures of the day taking their turn to rest

and so, the world continues
world without end, amin
for even when the sun goes supernova
and the universe is naught but entropy
and everything falls back into the primal cosmic egg
a new universe will be reborn
and in twenty trillion years
another sentient being will write words
very much like this
and so it continues



All the scattered dreams of yesterday
Are gone
Life is a marathon, not a sprint
A journey into the Great Unknown Mystery of the Future
which will soon be the past
which may again be the future

Shall Dionysus rule, drunken and stoned
cavorting with nymphs for mutual pleasure
or shall Apollo rule
ordered, cold, martial
yet efficient, effective and proud
secure in his achievements
while looking down on the drunks in the gutter
who live in the eternal now

Death comes to us all
Tibetans say “which comes first,
the next breath
or the next life”

Dionysus incarnate as Jim Morrison
The Lizard King
Pisses on our dreams
As he gets fucked up and
Dies young and
Leaves a legacy rarely surpassed

There is a time to reap and
a time to sow and
a time to celebrate and
a time to work

and a time to say
“Fuck it, i ain’t playing this game no more”

(1st Eugene poem)

I tried to pick up the spot on the floor
I didn’t realize that it was a beam of light
The sun
Shining through the window
On to my kitchen floor

One Day (july 5)


One day follows the next

and the next

I look down at my shadow on the ground

One day it will not be there



Free Bird (july 6)


Free Bird, have your wings been clipped by

ingesting the fears and limiting beliefs

of frightened and limited people

This can’t happen, that can’t happen, that can’t happen unless _____


No belief in or understanding of higher truths

No belief in miracles

despite the miracles all around us, as us


Free Bird, your wings are not clipped, they only seem to be

Free Bird, spread your wings, and




How would i live (july 12)


if i wasn’t thinking of the future, afraid of the future

how would i live?

I i wasn’t reacting to the past

how would i live?

if my mind wasn’t busy, busy, busy

how would i live?

if i was aware of the infinite eternal

in me, as me

how would i live?


if i wasn’t afraid of surrendering to the experience of the infinite eternal

in me, as me

how would i live?


if i really experienced THAT

would it matter?



Yeah, you fucked up, again

It would have been better if you hadn’t

done what you did, said what you said,

but you did


All you can do is start where you are


You can lie there in the dust,

kicking yourself in the head,


for having fucked up


or you can re-apply yourself


to the job of fixing whatever broken parts there are inside yourself

Rebuilding your own engine

Replacing your own dysfunctional gears,

mostly dysfunctional thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, cravings and aversions,

that don’t mesh with health and happiness

Replacing them with healthy, functional parts

Useful, functional thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, equanimity

that work to create health and happiness

All you can do is start where you are


every moment of your life


Reading Dharma Bums

Reading Dharma Bums

Walking down Berkeley streets wearing brown pants and a navy blue t-shirt
clothes which i imagine the beats to have worn
preparing to go camping to Big Sur and Mt. Shasta
then a trip up the coast to Seattle
living that other American Dream
The dream of freedom

oh jack, you came to such a sad end, but

you inspired millions and millions
among them this humble writer
you are one of my spiritual ancestors
thank you


What Can Compare

What can compare with the feeling of

walking around drunk, but 
not too drunk
on a nice sunny day
walking into shops 
finding open bathrooms
talking with shopkeepers
feeling free but
wishing you had something to lose

Internal Weather
Internal Weather
Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual

The forecast early today is for:
obsessive, fearful thoughts

often focussing on politics and the Environment
often as a result of reading the news on the Internet
but sometimes more personalresulting in
raging emotional storms
often invisible to others

resulting in
upset stomach, back trouble
headaches, general weakness
and other problems

Later today, expect periods of calm
resulting from practices such as
meditation, qigong, yoga, forgiveness, affirmations
resulting in remission of symptoms
until the next storm breaks out

all the while, the Spirit, the Higher Self
waits for the clouds to part long enough
for the sufferer to realize that
the sun is always shining
the earth just turns away sometimes

we make our own weather

My Heart is a locked box

My heart is a locked box
a box to which only you hold the key
if only i knew who you were

I have never met you, and so
I wait aimlessly
only half believing that you will ever come

Condensed Light

The higher frequencies are hard to handle
the clarity, the energy, the feelings of aliveness
You would think that i would spend as much time as possible in them, but they feel uncomfortable to this
deadened, slogged down, fear filled, shame filled, guilt filled
walking corpse, which needs to squash down any feelings of clarity
which might cause it to feel some very deep,
unpleasant layers of feeling

am i being overdramatic?
or just telling the truth
the real reason that
so many people seem to deaden themselves
by every means possible
anything to not feel
the unbearably painful feelings buried deep within

like a moth drawn to a flame
no matter how much we numb ourselves
we are always drawn by the light to rise again
to fly, to soar, to go deeper and deeper
into the kingdom of light which is inevitably pulling all of us
by the force of its’ magnetism, and the fact that
we all are, in the final analysis,
nothing but
condensed light 


This Too Shall Pass

Ultimately everything becomes a memory
a photo

a line in a journal
a frozen moment in time
a dimly remembered feeling

The river of time just keeps flowing on and on
today’s dreams
tomorrow’s achievements
the day after tomorrow’s recollections
maybe even a mention in a history book

so here we are i am
it’s so important what happens to me us
it really is
kept in the perspective of

this too shall pass



Awakening from a long dark dream, a dream
that has lasted lifetimes, a dream
that started when i got so hurt that
i turned bitter, cynical
a dream where everything i saw
by “saw” i mean all the conceptions and
interpretations I held in my mind

of what i “saw” in the “world” in “people” was
filtered through a dark cloud of smoke
of disappointment
especially disappointment in myself, and, by extension
because people are people and i am a person
disappointment in others
a focus on the negative, the selfish, the cruel
who needs newspapers or the evening news 
to present their distorted, slanted litany of war, murder and greed
when i was carrying my own filter
which even the Buddha would have trouble being seen through
if he were here in person, rather than some distant ideal

Awakening to find that
there is suffering, and
there is joy, and
i have a choice, and
it takes work, and
anyone can do it
even me

The monk’s addiction

In order to keep on purifying myself
I need to keep on defiling myself

Monday, March 5, 2012

Poems from last year

And, What
Two buck chuck (the poem)
Enlightenment can kiss my ass Impermanence
———————- Limbo

Lying around
    on the couch
    on the bed
watching videos
    reading books
    writing in my journal
eating more
   shitting more
drinking tea
   peeing a lot
walking the dog twice a day

Something is happening
not sure what
Been a few days now
still food in the refrigerator, although
the ice cream and beer are gone
Feeling lonely for a woman
unlikely to meet any in the living room
unless i go online, and
that hasn’t worked out so well up to now
halfway between what was and what will be
walking the dog
seems to be what the universe wants me to be doing right now

And, what?

And what, after all, is it all for?
Travelling, staying home
working, resting
loving, hating
tiring, fulfilling

The whirlwind of experience
For some the dronage of boring routine
How many years do we get?
if we’re lucky
and what, after all, is it all for?

Some teachings call it illusion
It all feels pretty real to
the big, capital
getting a little tired of that, too

I want to rest my head
on a soft pillow
sleep for a long time,
when i wake up
I want to be cleansed
purified of my mistakes
misguided patterns of thought
   destructive negative emotions
   harmful actions
and maybe then i’ll be happy

I think of anattapindika, the hindu murderer
who killed 999 people
cut off their fingers, wore them on a garland around his neck
and then, one day, miraculously
had a change of heart, and
became a true saint
filled with love and compassion
for all beings

I’m not that bad, in this life
if he could do it
i can do it
you can do it




Out in nature, beautiful day
it’s really noisy out here, because
my mind
fucking shut up


Two Buck Chuck (the poem)

That fancy french wine you used to drink
tonight it’s two buck chuck
Those pricey organic strawberries from Whole Foods
tonight Safeway got your business
not much of it
mostly cigarettes and chips

You used to ride in your beamer
now you ride the bus
not with your ex-girlfriend
who’s moved on to one of your ex-friends
who still has his money
for now

It was all great while it lasted
high times, really high, most of the time
crash, oops

There are a few compensations
That girl last week, who fucked you
just to get close
to the scent of money and success
She was impressed by what you had had
even if you didn’t have it anymore

you have a lot of company
maybe you could get together a band
“the ex-big men”

So, there you sit on the couch
drinking cheap wine
watching a video
eating shitty food
your saving grace, a lack of bitterness
a lack of blame
you have taken responsibility
for your own fuckups
you can still
especially at yourself

Enlightenment can kiss my ass

if enlightenment means
no more beer, no more ballgames
no more girlfriends, no more fun
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

If enlightenment means
acting so fucking holy all the time
spouting pious bullshit
wearing the same fucking boring clothes every day
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

and if enlightenment means
that i have to deny my animal self, my human self, my worldly self
well, what’s the fucking point of being here, anyway?

Now, if enlightenment means
a little more self control
more sense of peace
better relationships, maybe even
better sex, well
you’re starting to get my attention

and if enlightenment means
that i see the highest good in everyone
see the light in every being and thing
that i know myself as eternal spirit
that i see the perfection in everything
even suffering and death, well
sign me up

Who the fuck knows what enlightenment is?
Most of the people talking about it don’t know shit
except what they read in some books
or heard from somebody else who didn’t know shit
who had no real experience of what they were talking about
Probably the people who really are enlightened are just enjoying it
and don’t feel the need to bug or preach to everybody else

There are so many ways to run away from our problems
as far as i can tell
most of the people sitting on their zafus or
stretching on their yoga mats
are just running away from their problems
that’s a whole lot better than running away to
drugs, alcohol, sex, tv, but
we’re here for a reason

at a certain point, we have to stop running
re-engage with the world
take whatever we’ve learned on our mats
and just get on with it




The house is being remodelled
there are no walls, no doors, barely a floor
Front yard, back yard, piles of rubble and dust
slowly polluting the earth

Cardboard boxes, paper shopping bags of stuff
sitting on the patio for six months
in sun and rain
plates, knives, forks, cups, spoons, pots, pans
and all the rest of the kitchen
amazingly,not totally ruined
they may sit out there another six months

Workmen come, workmen go
The work stops and starts
when the owner gets a little more cash
to do another piece of the work
it may never get finished, if he loses his job

One piece of calm in this storm
the little hut in the backyard
formerly storage/guest room, now
all that’s left
of this formerly presentable property

Mid life crisis made visible
all the facades of a man’s life
unable to hide anymore what’s really inside
what sick emotions, old wounds, old anger
maybe it’s good to see the truth
not be able to bullshit yourself
and the rest of the world

or maybe there’s no deep, great significance
just another construction project with unexpected complications
just another snapshot of America
lots of external activity and dust and pollution
not so much inner work
tax laws and bank loans that encourage
all this chasing of the tail, but
it’s not even fun
even a dog, chasing it’s own tail, knows it’s a game
maybe this is all a game
maybe my third eye just isn’t open enough to see it
what bullshit



I was in a bar last night
having coffee with a friend
we couldn’t find a coffee shop

it was a nice bar
friendly bartendresses
I liked the decorations

not having been in a bar for a while
because i haven’t been drinking much
I was amazed at all the tempting
pretty, multi-colored
differently shaped, endless array of bottles
all of which disguised the one key ingredient
with which i have no gripe

still, it was amazing to me, to see, this whole establishment, all based on
people’s desire to loosen up and connect with others
with the help of a little lubrication
a little lubrication that, while it numbs the body
can put one in touch with one’s feelings
which often don’t get felt much

so, my friend and i had a good time

the end

Getting Drunk In The Morning

Getting drunk in the morning

      just makes so much sense
you fall asleep in the early afternoon
wake up in the late afternoon
take a bath and
still have the evening ahead of you
So Fucking Spiritual

I am so fucking spiritual
I meditate, in lotus
read holy books
do yoga
I’m a vegetarian
look down on all the common people
whose lives are filled with fear and resentment
who are doing the best they can
working like dogs
while i look down on them I am so fucking spiritual

Friday, February 24, 2012

Treading Water

Treading Water

February 24th

My birthday a few days away
here i am one more time
actually never stopped my whole life
wrestling with my demons

dark, crusty hands

reaching up from the waters of my unconscious
grabbing  me by the ankles
dragging me down

I fight and fight and fight

Fought my whole life
made a lot of progress
the dark crusty hands are weaker now
now i only go under a little bit and for a little while
then i quickly make it back to the surface, and
tread water 
which is better than when 
i used to go under and
stay under

but when will i fly?

I know i have wings, i can feel them
sometimes other people even tell me they can see them
Once or twice i’ve even taken off briefly, felt great
then I’m back treading water

Over the years i’ve learned a lot about how to free myself

things i can teach others
if i ever get free myself

I have hope

but when, O Spirit
will the dark
crusty grip
all my unconscious fears and self-judgements
and like a great eagle
I will enter into the kingdom
the kingdom of light
love, peace, joy and fulfillment

(written 2/22, Cotati, Ca.)

How hard it is to believe that change is possible

especially how hard to believe that change is possible NOW
both for me and around me

all i can see is what is in front of my eyes now

the life i am living
the world and society i am living in
and yet
one of the primary teachings of the buddha is

why is it harder for me to believe that 
all this suffering
will pass

easier to believe that things are bad and getting worse
and will continue to get worse
and worse

The pendulum, the yin/yang symbol, and other
mystic teachings

all say
it’s all gonna change

is it easier for me to have nothing to lose

so that i can avoid the pain of losing what is dear to me
so i can scoff and rant 
at those holding on
to their precious 
illusions of security?
and what does that say about me

Impermanence, holding on

is suffering
I am suffering
holding on to the protection of
having nothing to lose
everybody always loses everything
the teachings say
in order to gain everything

Change is here
i went to the library to get a book of Hafiz’ poetry. Right next to Hafiz was a book entitled
Sin, selected poems of Forugh Farrakhzad, translated by Sholeh Wolpe.
After reading some of each book, here is a poem that came out of me
Hafiz and Forugh Farrakhzad Destiny
is a far off thing
but just as close to me
my love
as your lips O my beloved
why have you been so cruel to me?
i have wandered over mountains,
rivers, lakes, oceans,
braved heat and cold, and still
you withhold yourself from this poor lover’s sight, and yet
I know that you are ever present, with me always
were i only able to know you

How many years of my life? How many days, hours,
How much of my strength, attention, desire, energy
have i given to looking for you?
How many generations of cells of my body
have been born, lived, died
while i wandered to and fro
searching for you
a fool for love

O, my beloved
come to me, i need you, i want you
My body aches for you
my mouth is parched
My desire rises, thinking of you
Come to me please
i beg you
make yourself known to this poor fool for love

Destiny, what is destiny but
the calling of the blood
the calling of the inner essence
to be, to know, to remember
our long lost, constantly sought
eternal orgasm of the soul
with, as
the beloved




me and I i am me and
i am I

so long as i think
i am me
i suffer
when i realize
I am I
I triumph

even when i think
i am me
don’t realize, have no clue even, that
I am I
I am still ever and eternally
of thee iI sing


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